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Cat Poems and Such

Category: Humor??? | Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:50 pm

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I have tons of stuff about Cats I have collected from friends over the years and one friend actually writes this stuff???? with some of my cats in mind (she has a LOT of time on her hands :) )
So if anyone gets tired of it just let me know and I'll stop.

This blog entry has been viewed 330 times

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Things CATS Must Try To Remember!

Category: Humor??? | Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:46 pm

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1. As if!!! Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

2. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

3. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

4. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

5. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

6. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching Steven King movies.

7. Television and computer screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.

8. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

9. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

10. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help.

11. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

12. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

13. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

14. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling tea.

15. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

16. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

17. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.

18. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it.

19. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my parts grow back.

20. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

Last edited: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:53 pm

This blog entry has been viewed 328 times

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Cat User's Manual

Category: Humor??? | Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:42 pm

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(With Debugging Guide)

For all computer geeks out there!

CAT v.6.1b: Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT (Maker of Many CATs)

User Installation & Maintenance Documentation

Features:

User Friendly
Low Power CPU
Self Portable Operation
Dual Video and Audio Input
Audio Output
Auto Search Capability for Input Data
Auto Search for Output Bin
Auto Learn Program in ROM
Instant Transition (Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use)
Wide Operating Temperature Range
Mouse Driven
Self Cleaning

Production Details:

After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be a variation between individual units. Some of the units may not meet general standards. MOMCAT's quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units. Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.

Transportation:

A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.

Installation Procedures:

Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are free of debris and operational. The user should look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs. Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature of 20degC (+/- 3deg tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program by displaying the output bin. The next step consists in displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, you must display the output bin.

If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download the BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. After 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment. The unit may often be placed in direct sunlight. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.

A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn-in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs. Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. These errors are never recoverable. Such situations are not covered by warranties. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL.

Your CAT should have a system name. The name may have to be repeated until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT's attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too much booting will abuse the system. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.

Applications:

MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed. At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT. Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some of the better CAT games are:

CACHE - The CAT will CACHE a data code. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object code must be smaller.

MIRROR - Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.

STRING - The CAT attempts to parse a data string.

JUMP - Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.

CHASE - Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.

DANCE and SING - Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.

Maintenance:

CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24-hour cycle. CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This can lead to violent explosions.

A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup. Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user-serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.

You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part.

Defective Units:

Due to manufacturing faults or poor maintenance, there are a number of defective CAT units available at reduced prices. Defects may include missing components, impairment of video/audio input or slow and erratic functioning. Such units may require more careful maintenance, but are generally reliable so long as the user does not require high-performance or advanced functions.

Poor maintenance or accidental damage may lead to your CAT unit acquiring defects during its service life. Manufacturer-installed back-up systems can compensate for most acquired defects although advanced functions may no longer be available.

When acquiring a CAT unit, it is worthwhile considering a defective unit as the unaffected functions will provide years of user satisfaction.

High-Specification CAT Units:

Standard specifications for CAT units are given at the end of this User Manual. High-spec CAT units are available at additional cost from specialist manufacturers (Pedigree Siamese, Pedigree Persian and other suppliers). In general, these offer little more than a pleasing exterior while all manufacturer-installed functions are identical to that of the generic CAT. High-spec CAT units may offer one or more of the following:

* High-volume, frequent-use audio output (Pedigree Siamese and multiple colour-way Oriental clones).

* Plush coat exterior (Pedigree Persian) Note: this unit requires additional care if the external appearance is to be preserved.

* Cable-less units (Manx).

* Underwater operation (Turkish Van - limited colour options).

These are generally intended for the specialist market although previously used high-spec CAT units are sometimes available on the secondhand and nearly new market. Manufacturer rejects of high-spec CAT units are available at lower cost; these have minor cosmetic imperfections, which do not affect overall function.

Viruses:

Your CAT unit is susceptible to viruses if allowed to network with other units. Most will be auto-eliminated by resident anti-viral software. The VET can install additional anti-virus software against some of the common viruses. If you suspect your CAT has a virus, have the unit serviced immediately by the VET. Remedial action may be possible. Some CAT-specific viruses will cause no immediate symptoms, but will result in gradual system degradation. Affected units should not be allowed to interface with other CAT units but will continue to function adequately for several years. Certain multi-platform viruses require your system to be permanently powered down with immediate effect.

Bugs:

Your CAT unit is prone to a number of internal and external bugs, which are generally preventable or treatable. External bugs are unsightly and may cause surface damage or trigger too-frequent operation of the CAT's self-clean mechanism. External bugs may be treated with specialist external cleaners, which offer short-term protection against re-infection. Internal bugs may cause errors at the CAT's input port. The input port may spontaneously enter duplex mode and display output functions. This is an error condition. Internal bugs may be removed from the system by application of anti-bug pellets into the input port. Debugging may be undertaken by the user. Failure to debug the system will impair system performance.

Caution:

CAT systems are normally user-friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of air ports may lead to a CAT deploying its auto-defense mechanisms. Do not strike a CAT. Its CPU clock rate is over 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 milliseconds. Children should not poke anything into the CAT's I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.

In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface. Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its "tail".

Service Life:

As CATs become older, the learning program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good. The Ctrl key on many CAT units is defective. CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.

If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second or even third unit. Most users don't need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.

The average service life of your CAT is 12 years (with occasional recoverable system glitches) but may be as long as 20 years. System functionality slowly degrades after 10 years, but compensatory mechanisms permit continued operational life for many years. Symptoms of system degradation include faulty audio and video input. Progressive system degradation leads to reduced functionality and ultimately causes your CAT to spontaneously power-down. This is a normal operational mode and is not recoverable. In cases of severe system degradation where the power-down function is not automatically invoked, consult a VET who will help your CAT to power down in a controlled manner. There are no salvageable parts.

User Groups:

CAT users can find other users on the msn group called The Scratching Post. Additional user FAQs can be found on rec.pets.cats.

Lifetime Warranty:

The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included. Previously used CATs are available from specialist outlets. These may come without warranty. Some have been salvaged from poor-maintenance situations but will still give years of reliable service.

Standard Specifications:

Models mainframe, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Interface Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness. Memory 16 MB with 1 MB in ROM.

Upgrades available real soon now. Expected Lifetime 12 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years is common).

Weight: 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.

Speed 3 milliseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.

Colour Graphics: Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 gray shades, or maximum of 16 million colours with 40 gigabits of high-resolution pixels.

Sound Chip: 16 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).

Power Consumption 250/350 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)

Operating Range -30 to +45deg C (-22 to 105 degF)

Vibration 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.

Fully software interrupt-driven with audible service request calls; instantaneous mode changing and short-term data buffering. Interrupts with audio output include 'Awaiting Power Input' and 'Output Expected' (failure to respond to output request will result in accidental damage to surrounding area). Hardware interrupts (no audio output) include 'Heat-invoked Sleep Interrupt' and (with audio output) 'Closed Door Entry Request'. Interrupts are non-maskable.

Your New PC (Pussy Cat)

Specifications

Standard Input:

Bilateral frontal whisker array.
Bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range: 20-20,000Hz).
Stereoscopic scanning device with night vision.
Limited colour recognition.
Velcro (tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector.
Odor sampling devices (2).

Standard Output:

Internally mounted purrbox.
Single speaker with separate growl mode.
Rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device.

Processor: Parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory and Autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware:

Calcium-based skeletal structure.
Byte-to-bit conversion array.
Retractable Document shredder/Hole-punch.
Pawpad printer.
Mouse (Standard Catnip).

Also included:

Natural-fiber protective covering in various colours and textures.

System software

Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:

DOS (DOmestic Shorthair)
OS (Other Shorthair)
PS (Pedigree Longhair)
DLH (DOmestic Longhair)
MS (MegaSoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)
RX (ReX, only installed on units with crimped-coat covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones. Any of the above system software will run in parallel with Eunuchs).

Bundled Software

May include the following:

Mortal Kombat
Acrobat
Explorer
Stuffit Expander
Real Audio

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed. There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

Operating your PC:

To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener).

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep, you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a warm boot: Remove your shoe, and then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a cold boot: Same technique as for warm boot, but leave your shoe on.

To reboot: Repeat the warm boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatibility and networking:

Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs. Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems. Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchical structure.

Power requirements:

Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food.
Direct supply of water.
Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

Troubleshooting

PC HAS DIFFICULTY EXITING: Perform a warm boot.

PC SHARES FILES FROM DINNER/TABLE/PLATES WITHOUT PERMISSION: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.

PC HANGS UP PHONE DURING CONNECTION TO ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a warm boot.

PC IS FROZEN: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it responds.


Letter to MOMCAT Feline Technical Support Division:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am experiencing operating problems in a recently acquired CAT v.6.1b (Completely Autonomous Tester, Manufactured by MOMCAT (Maker of Many CATs); model type "Sml Blk/Wht male [neutered]. I understand that acquisition of this model on the second-hand market waives all rights to a warranty, guarantee or parts replacement should a defect occur. Your Customer Services Division informs me that the perceived bugs are actually "features" and are within normal operating tolerances. I want to make sure these "features" are normal at such an early stage in the unit's operation or whether there is some necessary adjustment required to ensure long-term performance, and to avoid degradation in the unit's performance over time or critical equipment failure.

My recently acquired CAT v.6.1b is my second unit, allowing me to enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games as per your user manual. The primary (master) unit is a CAT v6.1a (Med Red/Tab female [neutered]); the v.6.1b operates as a secondary (slave) unit. In this respect I have experienced no operational defects. However, fuel consumption is giving cause for concern and the secondary unit appears to require a higher operating temperature for optimum performance.

When given the same amount of fuel as CAT v6.1a (Med Red/Tab female [neutered]), CAT v6.1b Sml Blk/Wht male [neutered] consistently reports a low fuel condition. I am experiencing considerable difficulty in reducing the volume and frequency of the audible warning system and am concerned that the output wattage may actually be causing the low fuel situation in the first place. Is it possible to adjust the volume or to introduce a timeout in the audible warning system in order to reduce fuel consumption? When CAT v.6.1b reports a low fuel condition, some sort of feedback mechanism triggers the same error message in the v.6.1a, which had never previously suffered this problem. Do the complex simulation games lead to increased power consumption requiring more frequent refuelling? The unit provides hours of amusement, but the fuel economy leaves much to be desired!

Please advise your Research and Development Laboratory of this improvement opportunity. Modifications to the audio output would, I believe, increase life expectancy of the model and reduce wear and tear on the CAT v6.1x series (Generic CAT). The current configuration is causing great frustration and an owner will require great self-restraint in order to avoid deliberately damaging the unit should the low fuel warning sound repeatedly around 3 a.m. The unit was acquired from a facility for the reconditioning and resale of previously owned CAT units. Staff at the reconditioning facility reported that the fault was already present when the unit was presented to them by a previous owner who expressed a desire for a quieter, more economical model.

I recently reported another malfunction in CAT v.6.1b Sml Blk/Wht male [neutered]. The unit intermittently fails to recognize its tail as an integral part of its machinery/casing. Your customer services department has informed me that this is a well-documented "feature" of the unit and should not cause any damage. I am advised that this feature usually becomes less frequent as new routines are downloaded.

I have a few other suggestions for the V.7.0x series, which I understand to be under development. These are:

User-configurable volume on audio output device.
User-configurable activity cycle (currently the "snooze button" does not work).
Remote control.
Ability to run on "Economy" as well as "Premium" fuel type (for short periods at least).
On/Off switch to prevent self-triggered nocturnal activity.

I look forward to receiving details of how to adjust my CAT v.6.1c to improve fuel economy.

Yours, CAT Owner

(IT friend sent this years ago when I was just learning to operate computers - He thought it was funny, I think it's true, what do you think?)

This blog entry has been viewed 354 times

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Cat Resolutions

Category: Humor??? | Posted: Sun Dec 10, 2006 9:38 pm

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# I will not flush the toilet while my human is in the shower.

# I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my humans watch a horror movie.

# I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

# I will not lean over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then run screaming into the box of clumping cat litter.

# I will not use the humans' bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

# I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and barf them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

# My human will never let me eat her pet rat, and I am at peace with that.

# I will not help myself to Q-tips, and I will not attempt to stuff them down the drain to dispose of them.

# I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

# As fast as I am, I must remember that I cannot run through closed doors.

# I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

# I will remember that I am a walking static generator. My human does not need my help installing a new board in her computer.

# Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not repeatedly knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

# I will remember that my human really will wake up and feed me. I do not have to pry his eyelids open with my claws.

# I will remember that a warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap!

# I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate.

# I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

# If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.

# I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

# I will not knead my male human's groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

# I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.

# I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper!"

# I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.

# I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

# When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.

# When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

# I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.

This blog entry has been viewed 349 times

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Last 2 yrs Gardens

Category: My Garden World | Posted: Sat Nov 25, 2006 5:34 am

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Last edited: Sat Nov 25, 2006 10:59 am

This blog entry has been viewed 404 times

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Thunder

Category: My Babies (Past and Present) | Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 7:50 pm

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Thunder - 100+ "Lap" dog he thinks. He did very good here, actually sitting and then laying down. Cats were out today so he can't come out till later. Poor baby!



Last edited: Fri Nov 24, 2006 7:52 pm

This blog entry has been viewed 351 times

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HousePlants

Category: My Garden World | Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 6:46 pm

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Last edited: Sat Nov 25, 2006 5:29 am

This blog entry has been viewed 421 times

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Cacti and Succulents

Category: My Garden World | Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 6:22 pm

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Last edited: Sun Dec 03, 2006 5:08 pm

This blog entry has been viewed 387 times

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Cat Babies

Category: My Garden World | Posted: Fri Nov 24, 2006 3:30 pm

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CallieGray-Gray
ShadowStar
BabyGirlSam
WhiskersCats

Last edited: Fri Nov 24, 2006 7:49 pm

This blog entry has been viewed 346 times

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Projects

Category: My Garden World | Posted: Thu Nov 23, 2006 5:41 pm

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Neither one will pay anything other than maybe gas money but it will hopefully be a start to advertise what I can do and get maybe some commercial jobs going around the area. Since both are going to be very different, I hope it will show a diversity of styles that I can accomplish working with individual tastes.

Last edited: Fri Nov 24, 2006 9:37 pm

This blog entry has been viewed 382 times

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