A lot of you know my history already; married for 30+ years to an abusive man, finally found the courage to leave back in 2004. He was emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially and sexually abusive, finally becoming physically abusive when I told him I was leaving him. I was in counseling for a few years after I left because I was a mess, I hated men, felt all except my sons and my brother were scum of the earth, so badly scarred that I wouldn't have a male doctor, dentist, hairdresser etc., and even made sure to get in the grocery line where there was a female attendant. It was really bad. But time and counseling and a LOT of work on myself allowed those open emotional wounds to close. I still have the scars (baggage, triggers, occasional PTSD) but I've been dating for the last few years, at first just lightly, socially, a kiss at the door and that was it. Have been involved in two committed relationships before this last one Ron, both ended amicably. Ron is...different, or at least I felt differently about him, not at first, but over time I came to miss him when I wasn't with him, which wasn't that way with the other two men. I mean, I enjoyed their company and the time we spent together, (go over Saturday, come home Sunday) but looked forward to getting back home. We've both been married twice before, and though we had "the talk" about being exclusive, not seeing anyone else, etc., there hadn't been any talk of marriage, other than generally in terms of being wary of going there again. So imagine my surprise when last weekend over a glass of wine as we were discussing and marveling at how compatible we are in all respects, he takes my hand and says "I don't have a ring yet, and I wasn't going to do this until I did, but will you marry me?" WHAT???? I know my eyes got very wide and my jaw dropped and I was seriously at a complete loss for words. Y'll know me, so you know what a motor mouth I am and that I'm NEVER at a loss for words!!! And then inexplicably my eyes filled with tears. I still don't know why. He said "Well you didn't say no immediately so I'm hopeful. Just think about it OK?" And that's all I've been doing all week is thinking about this. There are financial and practical logistics which I'm perfectly capable of sorting out. It's not any of that. It's the emotional component. I love this man. I have zero interest in anyone else. I am committed to him and the relationship, in a "this is it for me from here on out I'm very happy" kind of way. We've gone on several vacations together, a few days here, a week there, this last one was 10 days, and we have been completely comfortable in each other's company, I've not felt like I was eager to get away from him, or that the enforced closeness had becoming grating or uncomfortable. I'm just....scared I guess? Happy, but...wary. Unsure. I haven't been actively trying to find someone to marry, unlike a number of my single friends both male and female. I have been happy being single, I am happy being with Ron. But marriage? What if my interest cools? What if his does? What if we start to get on each other's nerves (though there is zero indication that that is going to happen, but you know...) I'm not even sure what I'm nervous about. I feel way out of my depth about this! Advice, wisdom, things to think about, speculations about why I'm wary or unsure or nervous...I'd appreciate any input.
Don't marry the one you can live with......marry the one you can't live without. The chances are good that sometime in the future whether you are married or not you are going to get on his nerves and he will get on your nerves, that's just life when two people are together married or not. Even the best marriages have times when one of you really feels like they could strangle the other. Many years ago an interviewer asked Ruth Graham (Mrs. Billy Graham) about their 50 years together....he asked her if in those years she had ever thought of getting a divorce. She said oh no....murder yes, but never a divorce. Drop the negative what ifs from your thought processes. What if you get married and have the most wonderful rest of your lives together???? What if you get married and find that it was absolutely the most perfect decision you ever made??? I do know what is going on in your mind, been there-done that...coming out of a bad marriage and finding myself facing a new one a few years later, all the fears of the bad one came rushing to the front of my mind. But 38 years later (and still counting) I realize that it was the best thing I could have done.
Ronni no one can make the decision for you but if you and Ron are happy after all this time together then maybe you should 'take the plunge.' I'm sure Ron wouldn't mind in the least though if you talked to him frankly about how you are feeling. If you need more time then I'm sure he'll wait until you're ready. No one can see into the future and know for sure that they'll always be happy. One question you should ask yourself is - could you do without Ron in your life and still be as happy as you are now? Ian's family thought our marriage would only last a year as they felt we were too young to be serious about each other. We've been together over 43 years and even the bad times wouldn't make either of us part from each other.
Hello Ronni, I did post earlier today and i'm being honest I deleted it...only just joining the forum plus it's an issue in my past but since then I thought repost. Like yourself been there had the counselling and I hated men...sorry male members but i'm ok now in those regards. I met someone 6-8mths after a divorce, made it clear not to get it in his head that it was courtship but we kept talking and things developed and OMG after 6mths he asked me to marry him, with out hesitation the answer was NO but later we got engaged and after 4yrs of being together he asked me to marry him and the answer was YES...17yrs we've been together and he's been the best thing in my life and he's my soul mate Ronni go by your gut feeling as you'll know like I did when the time is right and if it's not now and he really wants you like my hubby did...he'll wait till your ready.
I love this toni! I love this too! That certainly turns doubts into positives huh? I love success stories like these! I've heard so many of them and it just never gets old!
Eileen, this is sound advice. We talk about everything, agreed when we first started getting serious that we would have an "open book" relationship because both of us have come from prior marriages of exes having affairs, secrets, double lives. Long before Ron I chose to live my life with complete transparency because while living with my ex so much was hidden (I was ashamed) and I felt like I was two different people...the one at home, and the one all my friends, clients, acquaintances saw. Not anymore. We talked about it a little bit after he dropped this bombshell though we've mostly been waiting till this w/e when we're together to have further in-depth conversation about this. He hasn't been pushy at ALL...it's just not his style. But he did suggest perhaps a long engagement? It would be a way to ease into this, give us more time .. well me actually, he said he doesn't need it, he's sure ... give me more time to adjust to the idea or work my through it to a point of knowing 100% that I do or I don't. That's workable, right?
Been rolling this one around in the ol' noggin since I read it. You deserve some happiness. Would this make you happy? Would continuing on as you are now make you happier? As Netty so wisely said, 'Follow your heart'. Another very wise answer from Toni, was 'Don't marry the one you can live with......marry the one you can't live without.' You've been doing a real good job of it lately, Get busy living! This opinion is worth exactly what it cost. I wouldn't put too much credence to it.
I appreciate so much your advice, suggestions, wisdom. I'm so glad I'm here and have this great resource and access to such diversity of opinions and input!! Ron and I talked a lot over the weekend. It's so funny, the idea of getting married when I was younger had me all fluttery, thinking about hearts and flowers and kids and romance, the thousand thoughts of a wedding and a dress and all that pomp and circumstance.....and definitely let's not forget the lust that comes with a new love! So different to consider it at this age. Certainly it involves my heart, because the ONLY reason I am even considering the idea of marriage again is because of my deep feelings for Ron. I never expected to feel this way again after becoming so thoroughly disillusioned about relationships after my disaster of a marriage. But there are many practicalities too...finances and health and debt and house and the myriad of potential problems that can arise due to advanced age. I mean, when you're young you think you're gonna live forever!!! But at this age, at least for Ron and me, there is the strong recognition of our mortality.....without being in the least morbid about it, just the practical realization that we have less time ahead of us than we do behind us. It suddenly occurred to me during one of our discussions this w/e that an engagement, while it typically preceded a marriage, can ALSO be a stand-alone thing, and not something that is overshadowed by the future event it represents. It can also be a way to ceblebrate a firm and binding commitment to another, as its own thing!! When I shared this with him he gave it his enthusiastic agreement! So.....we decided to become engaged. He understands that I really need to take this in stages, that I might never actually get there as far as marriage is concerned, and he’s ok with that. He just wants us to be together and is more traditional in this regard than in many other things, so the idea of being engaged supports that. I really LIKE the idea of being engaged. Even though we've both been committed and exclusive and dedicated to this relationship for some time now, the idea of making it "official" has some appeal to me. And he really likes that too. Now he's looking for a ring. Oh my!
Aww..thanks Eileen. We haven't made an official announcement yet, that'll happen in the coming several weeks. I'm still walking around in kind of a daze about this, with a ridiculous grin on my face.
