If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement and amusement. Here are some of his gems: 1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. 2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. 3 - Half the people you know are below average. 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain. 9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark? 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. 19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good. 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice? 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it. 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film. And an all time favorite - 34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Here are some more!! Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. A fool and his money are soon partying. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. On the other hand, you have different fingers I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted. Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here." I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. What's another word for Thesaurus? You can't have everything. Where would you put it? A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes". If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club? I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. And believe it or not there are hundreds more. If you want to read them let me know I will post them. I just don't want to bore you with the lengthy writing!
I love Steven Wright and his views. He just makes me laugh with some serious thinking involved. Wonder what he would call that? Thanks for the laughs!
