Miss Jane's post on restaurants got this started in me............not wanting to take anything away from the lady with the original idea. Last night, I went to a viewing for a fellow I worked with for 20 years. Lets just say congestive heart failure and daily overindulgence in alcohol don't mix. What really disturbed me: I was the only attendee even wearing a sport jacket and dress shoes. Some were even wearing shorts (camo), T-shirts, and ball caps. Dirty jeans and shirts half unbuttoned. Wow, really? Granted, I did not know his lifestyle, or his friends. However, I was attempting to show a bit of respect. I've noticed that this has become a trend among people even of my own age, and I'm closer to 60 than I care to say. (And I ain't sayin' which side I'm lookin' at)
I run into that all the time FBG.....well, not viewings, but dress anomalies. Really annoys me when I ask what the dress code is for some particular event I've been invited to, I more often get weird looks than I do answers. I'm a ballroom dancer and so attend events frequently in which dressing nicely is required. I live in the south so "church clothes" is a common answer or statement when any clarification is needed which at least here means dressing nicely...slacks and shirts for the men, and either dresses, or dress pants and a nice top for the women. (No jeans for either gender.) I attend dinner dances several times a year in a couple of different country clubs that host such events, and it's always very clear in those circumstances whether it's formal (tuxedos and gowns) casual (necktie optional for the men, pants allowed for the women) or cocktail attire (ties for the men, little black dress type clothing for the woman.) I enjoy that I know exactly what to wear, and that I won't be wearing something vastly different than everyone else. Outside of my dance circle though, knowing what to wear is a real conundrum. It's uncomfortable to turn up for an event either under or overdressed. Of the two though, I will always opt for potentially being overdressed...I feel far less uncomfortable if I'm a bit too dressed UP than I feel when I'm underdressed for an event. I've done my best to instill in my children a certain decorum about dressing. They can be as sloppy and underdressed any anyone, but they each have a decent array of dress up clothes in their closets, and at least know to call me (or someone else) if they're unsure what kind of attire is required for a particular type of event. I appreciate that they have at least that amount of sensitivity.
FBG... It is everywhere. We had a tragic death of a toddler in our neighborhood maybe 15 years ago... I was in disbelief back then of the trashy clothing that was chosen for the viewing... more like they were looking for a pole to "stand" by. I feel like a real prude when I see what people choose to wear to "nice" occasions... button up, pull it up, cover it up... If I wanted to see your "treasures" I would visit the local swimming pool... (or not.... in a million years).
We went to a funeral for a dear neighbor, and one of the other neighbors turned up wearing a baseball cap! At a memorial service for an acquaintance, we were seated behind bikers wearing their leather jackets and insignia (they arrived by car, not Harleys). Merely going to the grocery store (not a dressy occasion, I admit, but really!) is like taking a brief course in anatomy, mostly parts you don't want to see. And ladies, beg, borrow, or buy a bra! FBG, you expanded on the original idea, thank you! If I posted about all the social faux pas I dislike, Frank would have to toss me off the site!
I don't have a tiara, if I did it would be a homemade, hand-me-down and made from rusted metal with a few flowers tied to it. But the way I read it, the gist of this and other topics recently posted is if you don't have the 'proper' clothes then you have no business showing yourself in public. In the case of this particular topic, you admit that you did not know his life style or his friends. So why are you judging them? There is a possibility that they dressed that way when they hung out together that meant a lot to them and the departed and they were, in their own way remembering the friend they lost. Those people were there to say goodbye to a friend not to impress anyone there. The guys showing up in their leathers were probably showing respect for a fellow biker and were dressed appropriately for their lifestyle. If there is no dress code specified when you ask then it is probably because they figure the way you dress is not nearly as important as you being there. They expect a wide variety of apparel, they are the ones putting on the shingdig so they want you wear what you want to and so will the other attendees. My mother was a big one for stressing "What will the neighbors think?" and she did a pretty good job of spoiling much of my future life because I was overly concerned about what other people would think. I realized that the neighbors will think what they feel they have the right to think about everything anyone else does no matter what I do, so I try not to care what other people think about what I do or how I dress. I dress for me not other people and if they don't like the way I dress then there are roughly 345 other degrees in their field of vision that they can concentrate on and leave me alone. What I find more upsetting is the way people are judged by others who do not even know them, their lifestyle, their financial situation, their concept of what they feel looks good on them. Too much concern for a person's outside and not enough respect for the person inside.
Toni, I completely get where you're coming from. Your points are well taken. That said, do you not think there are times when inappropriate dress shows a lack of respect for the person(s) hosting the event, whether it's a 50th anniversary celebration for Mom and Dad or a viewing at a funeral parlor? See, that's where I have a problem with it. I don't care how anyone dresses as a general statement, but I do tend to feel uncomfortable when it seems that choosing to dress a certain way (or not caring what you look like) comes across as just disrespectful. That, and (this is just personal to me) *I* get uncomfortable when I don't know how I'm supposed to dress for something, and that's when the general lack of dress code starts to stick in my craw. That's the anal/ocd me talking, and I recognize that. There are fewer and fewer rules for what to wear, when, and that just makes me a bit crazy....not having a clue what would be appropriate dress. That has nothing to do with anyone judging me, and everything to do with my own personal level of what's appropriate. Recognize too, that this is from the person who spent half an hour yesterday trying to match my glasses, earrings, necklace and shoes to my outfit. And then when that didn't work, reversing the process and changing my outfit to match all the rest.....and all because I just couldn't seem to convince myself that wearing bronze toned accessories just simply will not DO when my clothing combinations are black, white and gray.
In the good old days I think wearing the "proper" clothes to whatever occasion was paramount. I think in the good old days people were poor(er) and so outward appearances to neighbours at a happening was important. No way could I appear unless I have shined shoes, white socks and a dress. Now I think we've evolved to a time where the 'power of presence' or the just being there is more important so people are less caring about how others see what they're wearing. Fashion nowadays has also exploded and IMO there is also a theme running through us that "anything goes" re: clothes. To me so long as your personal hygiene is good and everything is basically clean I don't really care what you wear. I'd much rather have you COME to my funeral, wedding, birthday party etc wearing whatever you want vs staying away because you don't think you have the right clothes to wear. Just me and my early morning opinion on this
The person hosting the event sets the tone for the event. If they want people to really dress up then they must include that on the invitation. If they want their friends and family simply to come and enjoy themselves then there is no reason to issue a dress code. (if you have a crazy 80 yr old aunt who loves to wear her favorite fringed, disco dress...what's it going to hurt?) In other words don't sweat the small stuff. (I, my two daughters and one of my grandsons deal with varying degrees of OCD so I know how, for some, that just isn't going to happen) But what I am getting at is that it is wrong to judge people you do not know simply based on what they wear! It's the judging of others that sticks in my craw. The act of showing up to grieve is the sign of respect for that person....NOT what you are wearing. The person who died may be sitting up on a book case looking at the crowd and laughing his head off thinking "I should have known Joe would come dressed like that, we talked about not long ago and I bet him he wouldn't do it when I went". I can't help but wonder who has been put in charge of determining what is appropriate to wear and what is not? Who makes the rules? If I own a pair of $100 jeans, you can be certain that I am going to wear them anywhere I want to wear them too. I happen to wear crocs everywhere...why? because they are comfy, cool in summer and don't hurt my feet like more 'acceptable to others' shoes do. I have worn them to weddings, funerals, 50th anniversary parties, out to eat and to the grocery store. I like them and my feet don't hurt, so who is going to tell me I can not wear them anywhere I want to and why do they think they have the right to do that?
Toni, I am not judging the worth (moral or social) of people by their dress, but I do think that there needs to be a modicum of modesty, and a showing of respect for others. No, the acquaintance the memorial service was held for was not a member of a motorcycle club--I asked. And the baseball cap at the funeral was just inconsiderate of the widow and family. Who makes the rules? Society in the larger sense does. Showing up at a graduation ceremony wearing a bathing suit? There has to be some consideration for the people around you, and one way of showing that consideration is dressing appropriately. (By the way, I have some pseudo-Crocs that I wear everywhere--even grocery shopping!)
Just cause I'm in the 'mood' and not trying to be argumentative (old age is wonderful - gives me lots of time to sit and ponder all sorts of topics! ) what is "showing respect for others?" For example - if somebody dies and I sit in my house all day and think about them, their life, their accomplishments, their failures, their family, the good times & the bad - Is that showing respect? OR Do I need to go to their final resting place to show them (obviously not as they're already dead - I HOPE!) respect? Or am I really doing it for myself so everybody else there can see me being there? Or ??? Should I ensure flowers are sent to show my respect for their passing? Or to show the family I feel compassion/respect for their loss? Would a card do instead? (Nobody other than the recipient necessarily sees a card so how do I ensure via a card that everybody knows I send one OR does it matter that everybody knows? Got to sit and think about all this some more over a cuppa. Funny old world we all live in when we really start to define what is important to us and what is not ....... who is right and who is wrong ....... AND ........ who gets to decide?
I personally do not care what people wear as long as they are reasonably neat, clean and I do not have to look at their underwear! Boxer shorts are just not that pretty.
