Courtroom humour.

Discussion in 'Jokes and Games' started by eileen, Sep 6, 2006.

  1. eileen

    eileen Resident Taxonomist Staff Member Moderator Plants Contributor

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    These are from a book called 'Disorder in the Courts of America' and are things people actually said in court, word for word. They were taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of keeping a straight face while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    .....................................................

    ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
    WITNESS: July 18th.
    ATTORNEY: What year?
    WITNESS: Every year.
    _____________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget.
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
    WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
    ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
    WITNESS: Forty-five years.
    _____________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan.
    ______________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do.
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
    ______________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    _____________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
    _______________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
    _______________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Uh....
    _______________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    _________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death.
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    ______________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    ____________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ____________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
    _________________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral.
    ________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
    you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
    _________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Huh?
    _____________________________________________________
    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
    nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
    __________________________________________________
    (don't you just love that doctor !)
     
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    Frank GardenStew Founder Staff Member Administrator

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    Could have been a circus freak :?:
     
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    reggaefan Official Poet Laureate

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    Very good
     
  5. pondlady

    pondlady Young Pine

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    I think I know most of those lawyers. Thanks for the morning smile.
     



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  6. glendann

    glendann Official Garden Angel

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    Thanks for the laugh Eileen.I needed that .My favorite was the last one.Just a perfect answer.
     
  7. Shanna

    Shanna In Flower

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    Tooo Funny.
     
  8. jubabe296

    jubabe296 Official Garden Fairy

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    I can definately see a problem here!! :smt075 :rofl:
     

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