Hope versus expectation

I wanted to share this here, because .... well, just because.

For so long I had expectations of my addict son, expectations which weren't met, and so I was disappointed over and over again, causing all manner of upset, resentment and feelings of betrayal and hurt. It took me a long time to learn that expectations of him were pointless. They did nothing to help him, and even more than that, nothing to facilitate my own recovery.

Hope, however....well, hope is a different story.

An expectation is sort of an assumption that something will happen. It's very rigid and unforgiving. And we all know that saying about what happens when we assume. To expect or assume anything of Grayson was ludicrous. He's an addict! And because of that, he's completely random, unreliable and untruthful....not a good set of factors upon which to base any assumption or expectation, even if it were a right or healthy thing to do. Not to mention that when he doesn't live up to those expectations, it makes my relationship with him even more toxic, and adds even more negative influence to my view of him.

Hope though, is different. Hope is flexible. It desires good but leaves room for change. Hope doesn't assume anything. Hope is just a wish. I hope I win the lottery! If I don't, I won't be crushed, or sad, or disappointed (well, maybe a little... ) because I have nothing pinned to that hope, no assumption that it will happen, nothing but a wish. So when I hope for recovery for Grayson, it assumes nothing, just wishes for good.

Though I originally sifted through these thoughts as a result of attending Nar-Anon meetings to help me recover from Grayson's addiction, I realized that so much of what I learn there is applicable to life in general. This realization about expectations, and how it differs from hope, is just one such thing.

Expectations are what I have for or about another. They can be good expectations or bad ones, but they all assume that things will or won't be a certain way, or have a certain outcome. While this isn't always damaging (e.g. you have the expectation that your husband will be home from work around 5.30, because he typically is) it can be, especially when you're dealing with a negative situation in your life.

Hope on the other hand has no strings attached. While i may have hope about someone else or some situation, it's still, at its core, for and about me. It keeps me optimistic, keeps me thinking and focusing on the future instead of maundering around in the past about all the things should have been or can't be again, and keeps me happy.

 

Ronni, I really needed to read your post at this time. My DD has acted erratically her entire adult life. She would act normally for a while and then act totally irrational, in the process, emotionally hurting her children and family. Through the years those periods have gotten closer together. She left her 4th husband 2 months ago and also all her belongings. We flew her and her daughter with 1 suitcase each, up here and I finally talked her into letting me take her to my DR. After hearing of her pattern of erratic behavior, he felt that, rather than depression, she was bi-polar and put her on some generic meds. No test were done ect. as she has no insurance. He said that the meds would not harm her but she should see some improvement in 4 to 6 weeks. This is where your post helped me so much. Instead of expecting a change, I will now hope for a change.

 

Ronni, I am hoping for the best for you and your son. Hope is a good thing.

 

I'm so sorry I missed this earlier. And very sorry to hear about your DD. That has to be very, very difficult.

Bi-polar disorder is agonizing for everyone involved so I really hope the meds she's been prescribed help her. My limited understanding of the condition and how it's medicated is that if it's not very effective initially, sometimes a tweak to the dosage is all that's needed to improve its effectiveness.

Good luck to you and yours, and please let us know how it's going.



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Ronni, when (trying to) catch up on all that's been going on here at the Stew, I also read about your troubles with your son.
I admire how open you write about all that goes on in your life, and also admire the way you cope with it.
So true that expectations can disappoint, but hope can keep you going and can make you stronger.
Sending you lots of positive, hopeful thoughts.

 

Ronni and 2ofus, I have so much compassion for you. Dealing with children who you could very well loose is a horrible feeling. Whether it be at their hand or not at their own hand, not knowing if or when it will happen, it is still all terrible. A no sleep, very worrisome lost feeling. It won't go away until the cure happens.

Praying for you guys. I really hope all gets fixed in your lives. Please don't alienate them but give them direction. Don't be their best friend but don't be their enemy.. You will regret it.

 

Thanks for the positivity, it helps.

Y'know, for a long time I walked around feeling very secretive about so much in my life...first of all my marriage and the abuse I suffered for 30+ years. And then with my addict son and his issues.

It's taken me a long time to get past the shame of both those things. Really, *I* have nothing to feel ashamed of but it took a lot of time and soul searching and education to realize that. And that's where the need to keep so much of my life secret came from...shame. Silly, huh?

Once I got past that, I came to realize that sharing these things from my life is very therapeutic, and gives me that many more folks from whom I can borrow strength when I need it. After all, that's what support groups are made of, right? Just a bunch of folks who support you when you're feeling frail, who lend you some of their strength when you're feeling fragile, who hold you up when you're too weak to do so yourself.

I have wonderful support, from you all, from irl friends and family, from my Nar-Anon group...but none of it would be there if I hadn't opened myself up, allowed myself to be vulnerable by sharing my secrets.

Thanks to you all for being my strength when I need it, my courage when I flounder, and my friends always.

 

I know you know what it feels like, Barb.

I have to keep a degree of distance and separation from my son, for my own emotional well being. I won't ever detach completely or irrevocably, he's my kid no matter what. But I've learned that for my own protection, I need to keep my boundaries very firmly in place. I don't ever alienate him. He does me, sometimes. When his addiction is in control. Even though it hurts me when it happens, I know that's just his addiction talking, and not him.

I am most definitely an enemy of his addiction, but not him. I don't hate my son, and I never will. I just hate his addiction.

 

Ronni, I am normally very discreet about any family problems but your post, and the timing of it, was something I needed to read. 'Hope versus Expectation'. Thank you.

 

This is a very understanding forum...some would only pass the subject up . My heart and prayers go out for you Ronni and 2ofus. Talking about things does help...stay strong.