.................. instructed the big sign outside the garden centre. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die away. Now I'm supposed to 'Winter' it? I hope it's too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest things we've come up with since 'tan-thru' swim suits! We constantly battle against dandelions, daisies, thistles, hawkweed, buttercups and clover all that thrive naturally so that we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency. Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis about this: "Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in heaven's name is going on down there in that place called Britain? What happened to the dandelions, clover, daisies and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, maintenance free garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees, dainty insects and their seeds fed the birds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now; but all I see are those green rectangles." "It's the tribes that settled there, Lord; the Suburbanites. They called your flowers 'weeds' and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass." "Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colourful; it doesn't attract butterflies, birds or bees only grubs and earthworms. And it cannot withstand extremes of temperature. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?" "Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilising and 'greening-up' their grass and poisoning any other plants that appear in the lawn." "The spring rains and cool weather probably make the grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites very happy." "Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little they cut it down: about twice a week!" "They cut it down? Do they bale it like hay?" "Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it into a large receptacle referred to as a 'wheelie-bin' or green plastic bags." "Oh, so they save it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?" "No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay a levy called a 'Council Tax' that allows them to have it thrown away." "Now let me get this straight. They buy fertiliser to put on the grass so it will grow and after it has grown they cut it down and throw it away?" "Yes, Sir" These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we reduce the rain and increase the heat. That surely slows down the growth and saves them a lot of work and money." "You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing because of drought, they drag out hoses and pay even more money for the water that passes through them in order to water the grass so they can continue to grow it, mow it and pay to throw it away!" "What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket that retains moisture in the soil and protects the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's the way I planned it; a natural cycle of life." "You'd better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have developed a new cycle! As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them up into great piles, stuff them into those 'wheelie-bins' or green bags and have them hauled away." "No! What do they do to protect the roots of the shrubs and trees in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?" "After throwing away your leaves, they go to places called Garden Centres and buy stuff called mulch. They cart it home and spread it around in place of leaves!" "And what is this mulch made of?" "They cut down trees and shred them up." "Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. Please send for my Chariot of Fire. I need to visit and witness these happenings at first hand." "Lord, with the smoke that emanates from your Chariot, you might be in for a surprise there too. The Suburbanites have introduced a law about carbon emissions....................."
