Steven Wright gems.

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

Here are some more of his statements:

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3. Half the people you know are below average.

4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot .

6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 

Some good ones there Eileen I looked up a few more by him:

- Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

- Hermits have no peer pressure.

- Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

- I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

- I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

and I like this one...
- Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!

 

Some real corkers there too Frank!!!