Not my own addict son Grayson, thank all that is holy! He's been clean and sober for over a year now. No, this is about Jon, my granddaughters' stepfather, (the girls are Grayson's kids) who committed suicide Friday night after being taken into custody after a domestic dispute. Rachel, their Mom, is hysterical and incoherent, and obviously turning to some drug to get through because she's really strung out. Rachel's Mom Candy called me briefly to tell me what had happened. She was getting ready to tell the girls when she called, (both pre-teens) because their own mother was incapable of doing so. She also had to get to Jon's Mom and tell her, before it hit the news. Jon was an alcoholic, and also abused drugs here and there, especially when he was trying to get sober. He tried frequently. Rachel also uses...various kinds of stimulants. Whatever his faults and dysfunctions, Jon was a father my granddaughters when my own son was so deep into his addiction that he couldn't be. The kids loved their step dad and he was good to them, and from everything I saw (and believe me I watched closely) he loved them right back, and treated them like his own kids, of whom he has 2 from a former marriage, and one child with Rachel. The extended family have all rallied round. While I and a couple of Rachel's sisters stayed with Rachel and the girls, Candy was the one who also had to tell Jon's Mom, AND Jon's two other children. It was a wretched, awful, horrible day and night. I'm sorry to post such awful stuff........but this is just too big for me to bear alone. Those poor girls! My heart just breaks for them. They had enough to deal with in their sweet lives without this. The've all but lost their Dad Grayson as a consequence of his addiction. Now they've lost their stepdad too, because of his addiction. And if their Mother doesn't pull herself together soon, she is so out of it that she's going to have an accident dosing herself with whatever she's using, and OD. Or fall down the stairs or some other accident. She can barely walk, and yes, part of that is grief, but most of it is how incredibly strung out she is. I am frantic with worry about my granddaughters. I wanted to bring them home with me, but their Mom wouldn't allow it ... she wanted the family all together during this time of loss. They wanted to come, but were also torn...the older one has always tried to caretake her Mom, and the younger one feels responsible for her little half sister. It's just a heartbreaking situation. Please send your prayers, good thoughts, healing vibes, whatever is your thing, to this very broken, grief stricken family. Shortly before Christmas:
Prayers for things to calm down. I am so sorry to hear about your loss and your Granddaughters and for all involved. Stick together and watch over the young ones just like you are doing...
So sorry for your granddaughters, Ronni. Such horrible news for them, the darlings. They have you though, which must be a blessing for them. I hope things will settle down as quickly as possible.
Ronni, I just can't hardly wrap my head around this. I pray for your family that they find strength to get through this day by day. It doesn't get ever go away, it doesn't get better because the loss is always there.... you just do it day by day... moment by moment ... and hopefully your beautiful granddaughters will never be tempted to experiment with this evil addictive garbage.it doesn't get you through the pain and grief it just prolongs having to deal with it if you are sedated. Prayers and thoughts for you all.
Ronni, good thoughts coming your way for healthy healing for all the family. The girls will need someone outside the family to talk too and soon. They need to talk out their feelings, fears and anger but there is no one in the family that they will turn to for fear of hurting that person even more. They will want to talk to you and you can help with what you can but that will put more pain and fear on you than you should have. They need a professional where they can yell, scream, curse (and that cursing will include speaking ill of the dead) over the loss without fear of hurting, insulting or making things worse for the family. There is a better chance of keeping them off drugs if they have someone like that to talk to, someone who can impartially work them through the grief process.
Keeping all of you lifted up in my heart and prayers, especially those lovely girls. Such a tragic decision that this young man made while caught up in his own pain. I'm sure that he was in no state to realize how much damaging energy he was setting up for those left behind to have to cope with.
Oh Ronni you and your family must be reeling from the shock of Jon's death. I hope you can all pull together to help each other get over the shock and the loss. My thoughts will be with you all.
I'm so sorry to hear about you and your families loss. My sympathy and heartfelt prayers are with you.
Thank you all for your thoughts. Things have calmed down somewhat. Rachel spent a good portion of the day yesterday working on her husband's memorial service, which is scheduled for this coming Friday. It really helped her I think to have something to DO. The girls are doing OK. They're troopers. Honestly it would be better for them if they were in school, but their mother wants them close. It's an understandable reaction. Rachel's whole life has changed and she's just not capable of dealing with that right now. They were struggling financially. Jon supported the family. Rachel didn't work, she stayed home with their youngest who starts school next year. They have no savings, no life insurance, no money. They rented a house. Candy, her mother, will help Rachel out until she gets on her feet. And I will too, of course, but Candy is better able financially to assist. She is in the process of moving them from the house they were living in to one of Candy's own properties...a modest house that by a happy coincidence tenants just moved out of, so it's vacant. Rachel won't have to worry about a roof over her kids' heads or trying to find rent money for a while, till she can get her feet under her again. Her mom is a huge blessing to her.
As someone who has dealt with both drug abuse and suicide my heart pours out for you and your family. I'll be praying for comfort and for the strength to move ahead. And thank you for having the courage to post this. If you can't share your burdens with your friends then who would you share them with?
OK honey, I'm sending good thoughts, prayers, and best wishes your way. The struggle is real. Keep on being who you are. That's what everyone will be needing.
I am so so sorry Ronni. This is heartbreaking for those lovely girls. I am so glad they have you close by. I do hope their mother gets help & I hope the girls get professional help too.
Thanks so much guys, for your support, words of wisdom, prayers and good thoughts. It's been a rough week. My granddaughters are doing amazingly well, considering. The memorial service is tomorrow evening and I think it helped Rachel a lot to actually plan that, be able to do something. She's not doing well at all, and though her family have tried to monitor whatever it is she's using to help get her through, they've been unsuccessful. I have always said, always believed, that there is no wrong way to grieve. That grief takes many forms, takes as much time as it takes, presents many different faces, and that all that is OK. I must admit though, that belief has been sorely tested through this week. I also admit, somewhat ashamedly, that I am angry at Rachel. I'm angry because she is so completely self focused that she's just not being there for her children, and they need that. They're so young, so completely unprepared for this kind of loss, they have no life experience from which to draw to help them through. That's what their mother is for, and she's just not stepping up. She is so completely mired down in her own grief and misery that she doesn't even SEE I don't think, that her kids are suffering too. I don't know, maybe I'm just really off about this....I can only go by how *I* would be, as a parent, under similar circumstances. I feel anger towards her, and then guilt that I feel that way. <sigh> I'm going out of town for the weekend. Leaving first thing in the morning. It's a Nar-anon conference, it's been planned and paid for for months now. I almost cancelled after this situation came up. But I thought about it for a while, and finally decided that it was OK. As difficult as this situation is, I am somewhat peripheral to it...it's not my immediate family member who passed, and even though I'm involved because of my granddaughters, I'm not directly involved. Also, given the dynamic of the whole situation, the Nar-anon conference will continue to give me tools to help my grands in the face of their mother's continuing drug use. I also talked to Lorelei, the oldest, about going..I wanted to make sure she didn't feel abandoned or unimportant. She's such a great kid, she was totally cool and very encouraging. I'll be spending a lot of time with those grandchildren in the coming weeks...my kids and I all will. My family presents a very healthy and functional "normal" for them, and they've always needed that, and will even more so now.
