A man and wife were awakened by a loud pounding on the door at 3 o'clock in the morning. The husband got up and went to the door where a drunk was standing in the snow. "Can you give me a push?" asked the drunk. "Not a chance," replied the man. "It's 3 o'clock in the morning!" And with that he slammed the door shut and returned to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered. "Did you help him out?" "No, I did not. There's a foot of snow outside!" "Well, you have a short memory," pointed out his wife. "Don't you remember when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? I think you should help him." So the guy does as he's told. He gets dressed and goes out into the dark, snowy night. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" "Over here on the swing!"
A cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, the store manager, the security guard and the arresting officer. She complained throughout the whole process. When she appeared before the judge, he asked her what she had stolen. The woman defiantly said, "Just a stupid can of peaches." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine! But why do you care about that?" The judge answered patiently, "Well, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the womans long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?" The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peas"
Young Chuck moved to Montana and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next Day he drove up and said, "Sorry, Son, but I have some bad news, The horse died."Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse."The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!" Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened With that dead horse?" Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a Piece and made a net profit of $898.00." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?" Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, Joe was hired by a warehouse. But one day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Joe's wages to pay for the repairs. "How much will it cost?" he asked. "About $4,500" said the owner. "What a relief!" said Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
A builders lorry pulled into a lumber yard and a young guy got out. Going into the shop he asks for 98 pieces of timber. "What size do you want 2 x 2, 3 x 2, 4 x 2." asked the shop assistant. The guy says "I'll go and ask my boss". He comes back in and says "Four by two's". The assistant then asks "How long do you want them"? "Oh, a long time, we're building a house" replies the young lad.
A woman called the airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. "Sure as long as you provide your own kennel and it has to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over" The woman was flummoxed: ?“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
