Living with depression.

Category: Pinkies LIfe | Posted: Sun Jun 11, 2006 4:10 am

I suffer from depression and its been kicking me down these last few weeks. Its gotten pretty bad in last few days. All I want to do is sleep but I wont let myself. I have to stay on top of it until Robs health insurance kicks in. With this job it was suppose to be 3 months but this week is the second week in the last three that he hasnt worked. We cant afford him not to work. As it was we were living pay check to pay check. The whole point of the move out here was to get ahead but it seems since moving out here, we have gotten futher behind.He starts another new job this Monday. Its on another rig with a different company. He love the job he has now so he is going to tell his boss that when it picks up, he will come back. I know that hasnt helped my depression.

As an artist, I have all these image in my head and new ones popping up all the time. I havent said it before but my depression is the main reason for my myspace contest. I have all these images but nothing seems to fit the way I feel. How do you paint depression? Or even with depression?

Its hard, its an every day stuggle for me to get out of bed and function as a normal person. When ppl find out I suffer from depression, they make statements like, I never knew that or You dont seem like it.... or my fav, You seem normal. I have found out that depression is very normal. More ppl are being honest about their depression now adays. I guess its to help ppl. Which I cant really understand. When Im depressed, the last thing I want to do is help someone. I just want them to go away and stay away until the sun is shining again.

I was on an antidepressant last year. I think it was call Wellbutrun. I may have spelled it wrong. But it helped so much. It lifted the fog I seem to have been living under. I could understand things better. Icould remember what I had for dinner the pervious night. I wanted to clean my house and cook. I felt right.

When Im in a depression funk, as I call it, I have trouble sleeping ,which seems to make it worse. I wake up in the middle of the night wide awake or worse yet, I act out my dreams while I sleep. I have fallen down the stairs at the old house because I was actting out my dream. I was just scraped and bruised but other than that, I was fine. Well, physcally anyays. It scared me and Rob pretty bad. But he has started taking note of these things. The other morning he asked me how I was feeling. I said fine, why? He said that I had waken him up in the middle of the night, killing a spider on the bed. He said that I sat there talking to him about the spider as I was hitting the bed. There was no spider. I was actting out my dream. He said that I should give him warning about me being depressed so he can keep an eye on me at night when he is in. I always dream about spiders when Im depressed. I am so scared of them. The little ones I can handle but the larger they are, the more Im scared of them. So it doesnt surprise me that I dream about them only when Im depressed.

Hopefully, I will be able to work this out.

~~editted~~ I changed the title.

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glendann wrote on Sun Jun 11, 2006 4:35 am:

Jubabe and Heather would understand all your talking as they suffer depression and Heather is on 2 kinds of meds at the moment .Her Dr.was trying to get her off of them but she can't off as she will have to take them the rest of her life and jubabe's meds causes kidney stones and she only has one kidney sooooo its a bad situation.

heathermt75 wrote on Sun Jun 11, 2006 6:11 am:

I totally understand what you are going through. I was doing fine up until I had my dad and grandma die 3 days apart in 1998. My doctor put me on Prozac at first, but that made me have homicidal thoughts( That was scary) He took me off immediately and put me on Zoloft and I took that until about a year ago and my doctor decided to switch me to Welbutrin. It worked well and now that we are trying to get pregnant again,my doctor wanted to try to take me off antidepressants all together. Well, I stopped taking them about 2 months ago and let's just say my husband has asked me to get back on them. I was screaming at everyone, including Trey and if you know me.. I don't scream at all. I'm one of the most laid back people you could ever know. So, the doctor has me taking Welbutrin and Zoloft until I finish the Welbutrin, which is like 2 weeks and it helps in the transition into the new medication. It's no fun to be depressed and I thought I could make it without them, but I will have to take them for the rest of my life. At least I won't scream anymore and that makes Richie and Trey feel a lot better.

Pinkiered wrote on Sun Jun 11, 2006 1:42 pm:

Usually, I dont scream but I have some horrible mood swings. Rob told me that living with someone who is depressed is like riding a wave. One min everything is calm and the next ,out of nowhere, a huge wave comes up and tries to pull you under and rip you apart. You have to say on top and be calm and ride it out. If not, the mother of all storms will tear you apart.

I can see that not that I like being thought of as a storm but whatever.

I glad someone on here understands. Its hard. And it seems that it gets harder everytime I wake up. I leep telling myself....three months...(medical to kick in). We were close this time but he is changing jobs so I have to wait.....agian.....for another 3 months.

jubabe296 wrote on Mon Jun 12, 2006 1:45 am:

I also totally understand Denee, I take Celexa for my depression. We don't have medical insurance either!! I now how difficult that makes it!! The pharmacist that fills my prescriptions lets me charge if I need to luckily. So I have had my medication for depression, but it causes my body to constantly form kidney stones, which luckily pass while they are gravel instead of sitting in my kidney and growing bigger!According to another forum I have visited I am not the only person talking Celexa that has this problem. My doctor was going to start weaning me off of the anti depressant, but without the money to go to his office...well you know!! I'm also scared about being taken off the Celexa because I am worried about how I will be without it!! My doctor had told me either I would live with the depression or the kidney stones and at the time he thought the depression should be treated and my kidney be monitored. So all of this in itself is depressing I am kinda darned if I do and darned if I don't!I hope I haven't depressed you even more!!!If you ever feel you need someone to talk just remember I'm here and I totally understand what you are going thru!! It always helps to know you are not alone!! ( even tho sometimes you feel like curling away with everyone far from you!!)Good Luck Denee!!!

heathermt75 wrote on Mon Jun 12, 2006 5:28 am:

Yeah, if you ever need to vent to anyone.. I'm here for ya too. It isn't fun at all. I also know how you feel about spiders. I am so scared of them that I can't even get close enough to a baby one to kill it. Everyone laughs at me, but my fear is very real to me. It's the same as someone who is scared of heights,snakes,etc. So you aren't alone in your depression or fear of spiders!

Gizmo wrote on Mon Jun 19, 2006 3:40 pm:

I can't believe I'm speaking out. I have depression and panic attics. That wasn't easy!! When people find out about it they seem different to me. I just keep telling myself its just you. I was told back in 1994 that I have it. Been in the Hosp 3 times for it. Keep changing my meds. The last one was the worries one. Now that I'm on Zoloft and xanax for 5 years I haven't been in the hosp but that doesn't mean I'm fine. I live with this day by day and sometimes min by min. Lately it's been hard my daughter just got her driver lic Friday and its killing me. I'm having problems eating. I just don't want to its a job. Seeing people doesn't help I just wish them away. I have always wanted to help people in need but when I'm like this its different. I hide in my house. Don't answer the phone in less its someone that lives by and can see the truck. I'm just going on and on. There's more to this but I just wanted u to know yes we r normal and its not our fault. I do understand what u are going threw. Wishing u the all the best.

Pinkiered wrote on Mon Jun 19, 2006 6:33 pm:

Thanks you guys! I cant say that enough. I couldnt bring myself to look at this blog until now (from the 11th). I think Ive pulled myself out of my funk about the 15th. I just tried to keep my head above the water line, so to speak.

Come to find out, my mom and my little sister were depressed at the sametime I was. I think its in the air.... just that time of the year ,I guess.

But thank you. Its nice to know that you arent alone. Best wishes to all of you.